Edmond in dEm[a]nd

Time out!

2008-04-03T09:05:00.003+08:00

Currently listening to: Endings of a New Kind (album) by Taken by Cars

This blog has been oh-so-quiet lately. As usual, words fail me as far as expressing things are concerned. Now if there's a way to translate my frantic thoughts into words, life would be much easier for me. Perhaps it will help others understand me.. and finally I'll be able to fully understand myself..

Nah I dunno.. Perhaps blogging isn't for me..

Anyway, I need to take time off.. Perhaps I have been too dependent on the Internet in order for me to feel "full" and to fully feel.. In order for me to escape from my insecurities, my issues and stuff.. I need to get away, think, think and think..

Not sure if this will be my last entry here.. I hope I can come back, happier and that.. In any case, thanks for checking out my life - my dodginess and all that.. Au revoir!

P.S.: I've got no plans of deleting this blog whatsoever 'coz I wanna look back someday and be able to laugh at myself for being such an emo-headed geek! LOLness.

whoas and woes

2008-03-05T23:31:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to: Secondhand Serenade tracks

My "Whoa's" are overshadowed by my "Woes".

Isn't it guilt-inducing whenever everything seems fine from an external perspective, but you know that you're hurtin' deep inside 'coz matter how bright the sun shines, you concern yourself more with whatever clouds that may cover it? You then see yourself being accused as a "whiner" and an ungrateful jerk.

Tough times, I know. It's like riding a rollercoaster, yet not getting exhilirated by the experience. This absolutely sucks.

Blog h(e)aven

2008-02-20T11:10:00.005+08:00

Currently listening to: various tracks in my laptop :D
(Actually, Little Bit's "Forget about Me" has been my "wake up" song for the past 2 days, hehehe!)

Yeah, Blogger is now available in Filipino!

It's 'bout time that the Filipino community's blogging power is now recognised.

Philippines will soon be not just the world's SMS capital, but also the blogging capital.

Cross-posting

2008-01-28T18:58:00.000+08:00

I posted this in another blog of mine (which I no longer update) several months' back (30th of May last year, to be exact). I'm posting it here, pure and unadulterated, save for some formatting that I've done. Notice this guy's angst!

"Ugh, what is it about me that people wanna know about anyway, says my Multiply profile. I tend to be boring, you know. Why’d I say that? ‘Coz I’m by myself 24/7.. I mean, I can be with a group of people but still have that shark called “loneliness” biting through this guy’s heart and soul as if I were an unfortunate fish that crossed its path..

Perhaps I have to spill some beans on why I act distant towards people, as in people in general.. Perhaps, I never seem to run out of reasons for feeling insecure - that no matter what I do, everyone else is better than me.. AND in my book, someone better than me doesn’t necessarily translate to someone to befriend me.. This thought pattern has a lot to do with both past experiences and my being uber-introvert..

I realised that there are over 6 billion people in this third rock from the sun, but no I’m alone often times. Why can’t I just let loose and swim with the fishes in this vast ocean (and sooner or later find a group of people who will love and accept me for me and in turn will I love and accept for who they are).. Will I find them soon? Will I find them 4 time zones away from Manila? Or better yet, will I be the person someone that is worth the love and acceptance?

Ugh, I said it.. I mean, I just can’t believe I wrote this..

Anyway, I will be unleashing a new blog in a few months’ time.. Can’t tell what’s in it right now, until things are settled.. This will be exciting.. So far, the initials of this blog are W.W.
Peace out!"

"I am your brother, your best friend forever.."

2008-01-19T02:17:00.000+08:00

Meet Renaldo Lapuz, reputedly known as "William Hung" of American Idol Season 7. And he's a Filipino. I dunno whether to laugh or to cry.

For now, let's sing along:

"I am your brother, your best friend forever.."

Whoasome!

2008-01-16T22:01:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to: Boys Like Girls (album) by Boys Like Girls

Guess what?! I received an e-mail from Schmap Wellington Guide, asking my permission so that they can post one of my photos in the upcoming edition of their travel guide. Actually, this was just included in their short-list, so anything is still possible. Nonetheless, this is sweet!

I'm like, whoa! Like it was my first time to have a digital camera, let alone dabble with photography. Before, I'm not really keen to take photos because I feel like I might mess up with the photo. Basically it was fear that motivated me not to pursue things. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of criticism.. Fear! 4 letter word, but nonetheless a powerful word that brings about dread and intimidation. And the truth is I lived in its shadows for so many years, perhaps most of my childhood and adolescence (fine, early manhood.. hehehe!)

But I must say that those 3-month stay in Wellington has instilled something in me. OK, something in me got unleashed as I spent those brief moments with my other family. Brief, yes. They may forget me sooner or later. I may forget them as I shuffle through life (I really hope not.) But I'm still thankful that even for a short time in my early 20's, something meaningful and life-enhancing has occurred to me. Somehow, I learned to love myself for the first time. For all my God-given strengths and limitations. I have somehow a sense of security, that despite the oppositions I may face, fear not! That somehow I am lovable for who I am. That I'm being transformed from glory to glory. That hey, I can take some decent photos that my mates appreciate and somehow miss. And one of those photos is being considered to grace a travel guide for future visitors of Windy Wellington, that spot in the world wherein a small and loving community hangs out together inside a cafe in Glover Park.

And here is the photo. I took this last November 1, just 5 days before I said "Au revoir, Wellington!" The mixture of joy and melancholy brought about by my 3-month experience have somehow inspired me in this photo. And yes, you guys (you know who you are).. you all inspired me! Sounds cheesy, but yeah whatever!

Blogged with Flock

The weekend dilemma

2008-01-12T21:45:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to: Park Bench Theories (album) by Jamie Scott & The Town

When I have to wake up, my body still craves for sleep.
(Weekdays, ugh!)

When I still wanna sleep, a burst of energy suddenly surges into my body.
(Weekends, whoa!)

:D

Now what?!

2008-01-06T01:08:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to: Wincing the Night Away (album) by The Shins

2K8 has already begun! Let's see:
- Today (January 6) marks the 3rd month of our Feilding trip ("our" being Helen, Kiri, Nga and yours truly!). And it just so happen that right now most of the Blueprint crew are there for the Soul Survivor festival. At the mo, I wish I were there!
- I just had a MAJOR hairstyle change yesterday. All I can say is that I'm not yet ready to post a photo of me at this time. NOT YET! :)
- I'll be back at work tomorrow! (After 2 weeks' worth of holiday!) And I'm not yet that ready to face reality.. Perhaps my new hairstyle (or the lack of it, oops it just slipped out of my keyboard LOL) will break the ice for me..
- This is the year of the Beijing Olympics and the US presidential elections. Speakin' of MAJOR world events, I'm wonderin' if I will have another opportunity to travel this year. (Just in case I can't drop by NZ for this year..)
- I wanna be absolutely excited for this year. But it's the pessimistic mindset that tends to spoil the fun for me. I dunno.. I wanna break through stuff this year.. Break barriers, break walls, break hearts (nah!)
- And I'm turning 23 this year! (Man, I just turned 22 a few months back and now I'm talking about 23!)

I just feel lonely as usual! It's just 35 gigs worth of music in my laptop, the new Philip Yancey book I bought a week ago ("Soul Survivor") and me.. I know I'm by my own right now (physically with people but Im like a walled city).. The truth is I wanna talk to someone I can trust and sense that he/she is willing to be my shrink even for a few hours(!).. I just wanna spill out my mind and heart.. Even if it takes tears and bits of laughter just to make the point in expressing the funk I'm into at present..

Yeah I know I need HIM right now.. But perhaps I need someone who can go with me in going to HIM.. That's it!

Totally random, it is..

2007-12-22T02:48:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to: Wag Ka Nang Umiyak by Sugarfree
(To my KIWI mates who intend to spend a little more time in my blog, this means "Do Not Cry Anymore")

I was flipping through my friends' Crackbook sites a while back and I noticed that Adam has a blog. We can altogether have a peek on what's behind this guy's long hair.

And yeah, it's this time of the year again. What's in store for me:

- I've got a 17-day holiday! Be back at work on January 7th! Big cheers!
- I get to catch up with heaps of zzz's (So what am I doing in front of the PC at 3AM? :D )
- I get to spend more time with my beloved family.

AND

- I look forward to listing down the top songs of the year!

Oooh! I forgot:
- I plan on Skyping my Kiwi mates on CHRISTmas day!

AND

I shouldn't forget who this season is supposedly for. Sounds cliche I know, but I realised that shouldn't confine HIM in a box! That HE occupies only this certain amount of space in my life. I want to press on in following HIM, be it CHRISTmas season or not. Press on, carry on and hold on! Until I become more like CHRIST!

P.S.: I think it's bout time for me to wake up those blog entries sleeping in my Drafts folder. LOL.

System restore..

2007-12-02T19:31:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to: Mute Math tracks (from both Reset EP and Mute Math)

Yeah! I was able to make my webcam and my music players (iTunes7.5 and WMP11) work without having to bring my laptop to a technician. How did I manage that? SYSTEM RESTORE!

(To get there: Start Menu > All Programs > Accessories > System Tools > System Restore)

Thankfully, Windows saved my settings as of November 5, 2K7 (the day before I left WGTN). And all I had to do was to restore those settings and presto, I got my webcam and my music players working. What's more awesome is that my files aren't affected at all by this process.

Now, I need a "system restore" as well. I've been on a dry spell for days, in more ways than one. I'm experiencing my Sammy the Salmon moment. I terribly miss NZ and feel like "GOD, I'm not the same person I was in WGTN!" I need to be restored on my state while I was in WGTN, even right now that I'm in Manila. Would that be possible, as in right this very moment?

Parting words: Is there a place named "Old Zealand"? LOL.

And I'm running out of words..

2007-12-01T03:30:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to: I Believe (album) by Rapture Ruckus

I realised that there are 3 entries currently sitting in my Drafts folder and heaps of ideas that I'm considering to post in this blog. But no, words are eluding me right now. I'm "speechless" (or should I say "word"-less?). I'm on a dry spell at the moment, and I'm on a hunt for an oasis where I can get refreshed, by all means!

Awww really..

2007-11-18T18:50:00.001+08:00

And yeah.. Right!

You Should Play the Guitar

You're very independent - both in spirit and in the way you learn.You can teach yourself almost anything, even if it makes your fingers bleed.
You're not really the type to sit patiently through a music lesson - or do things by the book.It's more your style to master the fundamentals and see where they take you.
Highly creative and a bit eclectic, you need a wide range of music to play.You could emerge as a sensitive songwriter... or a manic rock star.
Your dominant personality characteristic: being rebellious
Your secondary personality characteristic: tenacity

What Musical Instrument Should You Play?

A break from ranting..

2007-11-18T17:13:00.001+08:00

Just finished listening to: Dreaming Out Loud (album) by OneRepublic

I just still am missing NZ. But as a wise and wonderful friend has mentioned to me, where I am is where I am. And yeah, that's the truth. It doesn't eliminate those bits of pain still within me, but at least I know that GOD is so huge that HE can envelope me while HE's giving me a huge hug I badly need right now.

So I guess, I will choose to have HIM take charge.

Now, looking at the bright spots thus far:

It was great for me to catch up with some friends from church. It's been ages since I last saw them and man I'm really thrilled to hear great news from them. Like a friend of mine is about to graduate from the university next month. And then another friend of mine just got married to an awesome godly woman (and I really think that they're a match made in heaven since the time we were classmates in ENLI). I'm also looking forward to getting plugged in a small group come next weekend.

Another thing, my adorable 2-year old cousin Eunice was dedicated yesterday. I feel so privileged yet humbled to be her godfather. Whoa! In Filipino context, being a godparent means having to lavish your godchild with gifts come Christmas, birthday, graduation and all those events in his/her life. Hmmm, I may or may not be able to give her heaps of presents. But just the same, I wanna let her know that she's special in GOD's eyes. That GOD's so stoked every time she sees her. And in a way, I wanna have a grip on how GOD parents us. In my immaturity and slight aversion towards kids (nice to look at but touch 'em at your own risk), I wanna grow in this aspect. I'm thinking that, hey this is perhaps why I'm still single right now. I'm thinking..

And..

2007-11-18T16:51:00.000+08:00

Absolutely terribly..

2007-11-16T11:04:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to: Movin' On by Elliott Yamin

I'm starting this blog post with a rant.

Why in the world do I have to leave Wellington at the time when, for the first time in my life, I am confident and assured of being loved for who I am?

So many things are running in my head right now. Now, if you will allow me to expose the rawness of my thoughts..

I'm wonderin' if I'm like a child allowed to have a sip of softdrinks (or a bite of a cookie), only to be told that I can't have more of those. It's easy for me to think right now that GOD is a cosmic killjoy, out there to make sure that my life isn't too sweet. Like when happiness comes, I should brace for sadness coming my way.

It's absolutely easy that in my childishness, I think of GOD as such. It's so easy. But you know what, this isn't the Person whom I have a silent (but nonetheless strong) encounter while I was in Wellington. GOD loves me so much and that has been a head-thing for me for so long. But I'll be honest to say that I haven't really allowed that to penetrate my heart and my soul. I chose to allow insecurity have a hold of me, that no matter what I do there's something in me that makes me not worthy of love. Perhaps this is why I have been a loner and a private person for rather long. I hated myself and I chose to hide.

Having been in Wellington and having known awesome and wonderful mates in Blueprint, it's like finally the veil that has been holding me back is slowly lifted off me. That having shared some moments with the guys and having observed their grace-filled and loving camaraderie, man I know that I belong. I have a place, that I'm no accident.

Still, this physical distance is more than I can bear. I'm still a work in progress - I easily get insecure and intimidated.

Now going back to my rant. I don't have the answers and I know that GOD doesn't owe me an explanation. Still, based on GOD's nature that has been made known to me, it could be that:

a.) My departure from Wellington is a season of my life. I dunno how long this season will last (meaning, I dunno when I get back there).

b.) Now that I have a taste of this assurance and security, perhaps this has to be tested somewhere else. And what could be a better testing ground but my homeland, the place where I have had heaps of "down" moments (Don't get me wrong: I had my "up" moments here as well.)?

c.) GOD wants me to see things coming my way as blessings. That even friends aren't the end-all and be-all, but rather are blessings, markers leading towards HIM, who blesses me.

d.) In connection with c.), perhaps GOD wants me to have HIM as the greatest mate of my life. That HE's bigger than everything.

Whatever! All these speculations aren't enough to quell this melancholic funk I'm into. All I know are these: I absolutely terribly miss my Blueprint mates and I can count on HIM, even on expressing all of these emotions and thoughts.

..The break's over!

2007-11-11T22:36:00.000+08:00

And I'm back to work tomorrow, my goodness!

I haven't fully adjusted back here in Manila - physically, emotionally, socially and all that -ly. And I didn't realise that my holiday's over and that I'll be back to my so-called real world.

LORD, can I handle this? I'm not yet ready.. but I know I have to be a man in facing everything back here.

By the palm of HIS hands..

2007-11-10T15:54:00.000+08:00

SONG OF THE MOMENT: Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Now that Sam Harvey left Manila to return to Windy Wellington, I'm now on my own. I have to accept the fact that Wellington is 15 hours away for Manila by plane. Yes, I'm still grieving that I have to leave behind my mates in Blueprint. Like right now, I have to wear sunglasses even inside the mall 'coz, every now and then, tears are freely flowing from my eyes.

It's just funny 'coz I know in my heart that GOD has started a change in me while I was in Wellington. For the first time in my 22 years of existence, I feel secure and confident in who I am. That I am Edmond Robert, fearfully and wonderfully created by GOD. That I am purchased by the blood of Christ. That I am capable of being loved for who I am (because I've been wrestling with that fact for so long).

And then now, I'm back to my old habitat, in a place where 3 months ago I'm hanging by the thread 'coz I'm at my all-time low. Old doubts and fears want to re-surface and they're wrestling with the newfound assurance and confidence within me. What an internal mess!

Reminds me of the illustration used in Philip Yancey's "Rumours of Another World" (which BTW I just finished reading this morning!). A young river salmon "smoltifies" in order to adapt to salt-water environment. Smoltification involves physical and chemical changes in order for the salmon to suit well in its new environment. This must be an exciting time for Mr. Sammy the Salmon! But no, when Sammy gets old, he returns to his old habitat just for him to mate and die. Changes in his features cause him to no longer thrive in his original home. Whoa!

In a sense, I am "smoltified" when I came to Wellington. And now that I returned here in Manila, will I be good for nothing like Mr. Sammy? Hell no! I choose to trust HIM - HE who holds the universe by the palm of HIS hands (and is able to move people across the globe) is the same ONE who loves me the most. He who blessed me much in Wellington is the same ONE who is with me wherever I am.

It still sucks to feel alone. But HE is with me. I wanna choose to stick by my choice of trusting HIM.

The world awaits..

2007-11-09T09:32:00.000+08:00

Edmond in dEm[a]nd is coming soon..