Awww really..

And yeah.. Right!

You Should Play the Guitar

You're very independent - both in spirit and in the way you learn.You can teach yourself almost anything, even if it makes your fingers bleed. You're not really the type to sit patiently through a music lesson - or do things by the book.It's more your style to master the fundamentals and see where they take you. Highly creative and a bit eclectic, you need a wide range of music to play.You could emerge as a sensitive songwriter... or a manic rock star. Your dominant personality characteristic: being rebellious Your secondary personality characteristic: tenacity

What Musical Instrument Should You Play?

A break from ranting..

Just finished listening to: Dreaming Out Loud (album) by OneRepublic

I just still am missing NZ. But as a wise and wonderful friend has mentioned to me, where I am is where I am. And yeah, that's the truth. It doesn't eliminate those bits of pain still within me, but at least I know that GOD is so huge that HE can envelope me while HE's giving me a huge hug I badly need right now.

So I guess, I will choose to have HIM take charge.

Now, looking at the bright spots thus far:

It was great for me to catch up with some friends from church. It's been ages since I last saw them and man I'm really thrilled to hear great news from them. Like a friend of mine is about to graduate from the university next month. And then another friend of mine just got married to an awesome godly woman (and I really think that they're a match made in heaven since the time we were classmates in ENLI). I'm also looking forward to getting plugged in a small group come next weekend.

Another thing, my adorable 2-year old cousin Eunice was dedicated yesterday. I feel so privileged yet humbled to be her godfather. Whoa! In Filipino context, being a godparent means having to lavish your godchild with gifts come Christmas, birthday, graduation and all those events in his/her life. Hmmm, I may or may not be able to give her heaps of presents. But just the same, I wanna let her know that she's special in GOD's eyes. That GOD's so stoked every time she sees her. And in a way, I wanna have a grip on how GOD parents us. In my immaturity and slight aversion towards kids (nice to look at but touch 'em at your own risk), I wanna grow in this aspect. I'm thinking that, hey this is perhaps why I'm still single right now. I'm thinking..

And..

Absolutely terribly..

Currently listening to: Movin' On by Elliott Yamin

I'm starting this blog post with a rant.

Why in the world do I have to leave Wellington at the time when, for the first time in my life, I am confident and assured of being loved for who I am?

So many things are running in my head right now. Now, if you will allow me to expose the rawness of my thoughts..

I'm wonderin' if I'm like a child allowed to have a sip of softdrinks (or a bite of a cookie), only to be told that I can't have more of those. It's easy for me to think right now that GOD is a cosmic killjoy, out there to make sure that my life isn't too sweet. Like when happiness comes, I should brace for sadness coming my way.

It's absolutely easy that in my childishness, I think of GOD as such. It's so easy. But you know what, this isn't the Person whom I have a silent (but nonetheless strong) encounter while I was in Wellington. GOD loves me so much and that has been a head-thing for me for so long. But I'll be honest to say that I haven't really allowed that to penetrate my heart and my soul. I chose to allow insecurity have a hold of me, that no matter what I do there's something in me that makes me not worthy of love. Perhaps this is why I have been a loner and a private person for rather long. I hated myself and I chose to hide.

Having been in Wellington and having known awesome and wonderful mates in Blueprint, it's like finally the veil that has been holding me back is slowly lifted off me. That having shared some moments with the guys and having observed their grace-filled and loving camaraderie, man I know that I belong. I have a place, that I'm no accident.

Still, this physical distance is more than I can bear. I'm still a work in progress - I easily get insecure and intimidated.

Now going back to my rant. I don't have the answers and I know that GOD doesn't owe me an explanation. Still, based on GOD's nature that has been made known to me, it could be that:

a.) My departure from Wellington is a season of my life. I dunno how long this season will last (meaning, I dunno when I get back there).

b.) Now that I have a taste of this assurance and security, perhaps this has to be tested somewhere else. And what could be a better testing ground but my homeland, the place where I have had heaps of "down" moments (Don't get me wrong: I had my "up" moments here as well.)?

c.) GOD wants me to see things coming my way as blessings. That even friends aren't the end-all and be-all, but rather are blessings, markers leading towards HIM, who blesses me.

d.) In connection with c.), perhaps GOD wants me to have HIM as the greatest mate of my life. That HE's bigger than everything.

Whatever! All these speculations aren't enough to quell this melancholic funk I'm into. All I know are these: I absolutely terribly miss my Blueprint mates and I can count on HIM, even on expressing all of these emotions and thoughts.

..The break's over!

And I'm back to work tomorrow, my goodness!

I haven't fully adjusted back here in Manila - physically, emotionally, socially and all that -ly. And I didn't realise that my holiday's over and that I'll be back to my so-called real world.

LORD, can I handle this? I'm not yet ready.. but I know I have to be a man in facing everything back here.

By the palm of HIS hands..

SONG OF THE MOMENT: Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus


Now that Sam Harvey left Manila to return to Windy Wellington, I'm now on my own. I have to accept the fact that Wellington is 15 hours away for Manila by plane. Yes, I'm still grieving that I have to leave behind my mates in Blueprint. Like right now, I have to wear sunglasses even inside the mall 'coz, every now and then, tears are freely flowing from my eyes.

It's just funny 'coz I know in my heart that GOD has started a change in me while I was in Wellington. For the first time in my 22 years of existence, I feel secure and confident in who I am. That I am Edmond Robert, fearfully and wonderfully created by GOD. That I am purchased by the blood of Christ. That I am capable of being loved for who I am (because I've been wrestling with that fact for so long).

And then now, I'm back to my old habitat, in a place where 3 months ago I'm hanging by the thread 'coz I'm at my all-time low. Old doubts and fears want to re-surface and they're wrestling with the newfound assurance and confidence within me. What an internal mess!

Reminds me of the illustration used in Philip Yancey's "Rumours of Another World" (which BTW I just finished reading this morning!). A young river salmon "smoltifies" in order to adapt to salt-water environment. Smoltification involves physical and chemical changes in order for the salmon to suit well in its new environment. This must be an exciting time for Mr. Sammy the Salmon! But no, when Sammy gets old, he returns to his old habitat just for him to mate and die. Changes in his features cause him to no longer thrive in his original home. Whoa!

In a sense, I am "smoltified" when I came to Wellington. And now that I returned here in Manila, will I be good for nothing like Mr. Sammy? Hell no! I choose to trust HIM - HE who holds the universe by the palm of HIS hands (and is able to move people across the globe) is the same ONE who loves me the most. He who blessed me much in Wellington is the same ONE who is with me wherever I am.

It still sucks to feel alone. But HE is with me. I wanna choose to stick by my choice of trusting HIM.

The world awaits..

Edmond in dEm[a]nd is coming soon..