Absolutely terribly..

Currently listening to: Movin' On by Elliott Yamin

I'm starting this blog post with a rant.

Why in the world do I have to leave Wellington at the time when, for the first time in my life, I am confident and assured of being loved for who I am?

So many things are running in my head right now. Now, if you will allow me to expose the rawness of my thoughts..

I'm wonderin' if I'm like a child allowed to have a sip of softdrinks (or a bite of a cookie), only to be told that I can't have more of those. It's easy for me to think right now that GOD is a cosmic killjoy, out there to make sure that my life isn't too sweet. Like when happiness comes, I should brace for sadness coming my way.

It's absolutely easy that in my childishness, I think of GOD as such. It's so easy. But you know what, this isn't the Person whom I have a silent (but nonetheless strong) encounter while I was in Wellington. GOD loves me so much and that has been a head-thing for me for so long. But I'll be honest to say that I haven't really allowed that to penetrate my heart and my soul. I chose to allow insecurity have a hold of me, that no matter what I do there's something in me that makes me not worthy of love. Perhaps this is why I have been a loner and a private person for rather long. I hated myself and I chose to hide.

Having been in Wellington and having known awesome and wonderful mates in Blueprint, it's like finally the veil that has been holding me back is slowly lifted off me. That having shared some moments with the guys and having observed their grace-filled and loving camaraderie, man I know that I belong. I have a place, that I'm no accident.

Still, this physical distance is more than I can bear. I'm still a work in progress - I easily get insecure and intimidated.

Now going back to my rant. I don't have the answers and I know that GOD doesn't owe me an explanation. Still, based on GOD's nature that has been made known to me, it could be that:

a.) My departure from Wellington is a season of my life. I dunno how long this season will last (meaning, I dunno when I get back there).

b.) Now that I have a taste of this assurance and security, perhaps this has to be tested somewhere else. And what could be a better testing ground but my homeland, the place where I have had heaps of "down" moments (Don't get me wrong: I had my "up" moments here as well.)?

c.) GOD wants me to see things coming my way as blessings. That even friends aren't the end-all and be-all, but rather are blessings, markers leading towards HIM, who blesses me.

d.) In connection with c.), perhaps GOD wants me to have HIM as the greatest mate of my life. That HE's bigger than everything.

Whatever! All these speculations aren't enough to quell this melancholic funk I'm into. All I know are these: I absolutely terribly miss my Blueprint mates and I can count on HIM, even on expressing all of these emotions and thoughts.